That has been how I feel these last few weeks. I actually thought once graduation was over things would slow down I would have my surgery and recover. Instead, my life has been anything but… It has been an emotional roller coaster. On the 2nd of June I saw my primary care doctor to get all the clearances that I needed prior to surgery. (I will be having 1 of 3 surgeries on my neck starting in July.) In I walk to get the orders for what I thought would be a simple series of blood draws and EKG and maybe a chest x-ray. What I was not expecting was out of my own mouth the words when the doctor said that he wanted me to see a cardiologist for a complete work up. Out of this mouth comes “If that is what you want then let’s do it” To which I watch as he rips up the EKG order . So the following Monday I am sitting in the cardiologist office and I realize that I am really getting irritated by the staff there. I have 3 people asking me questions and 1 trying to get my blood pressure and another trying to get an EKG (yes can we say in my mind very much confused)…. So after all that is accomplished in walks the doctor and he tells me that I have something called Left Branch Bundle Block and that it could be nothing or it could be something.. As he is asking questions he stops and he says “where are you from?” I respond “Philadelphia Pa. why do you ask?” and his serious response is “because every question I have asked you so far you give me this east coast wtf look.” Then he explains the LBBB and “he says well let’s do this complete work up” I agree and so he says “have a seat in the check out room and someone will call you.” So I go sit in this room with about 20 other people and I send a friend a text that says “I don’t want you with me when I do the paperwork because I get quite snappy” and she writes back I will show you how to be Jesus in those situations. So, I send another text telling her about this east coast wtf look to which she says that I do it a lot and it is a cute look. More on this later…I am sure…
So here I go… a 2 part stress test, and echocardiogram . Each test interesting in their own way and their own personal reactions. My 1st reaction was that this is really stupid and then on the echo was “let me get home to shower please.” There were lots of reflections here. One because I am heavy they were not sure I would be able to do the stress test and go through the machine (which looked like an MRI machine but it had a camera attached.). I do and there is no problem. Although my attitude is in desperate need of an adjustment.
On the day of the echocardiogram my mother thought she was having a heart attack in the middle of the night and instead of waking me or asking me to drive her she drove herself at about 2:30 am and they kept her (now we are a 1 car house and she did not call me she sends me a text at 3:20 am telling me that she was at the hospital and they kept her. OK can we say livid beyond all measure… I manage to get a ride to the hospital and when we walked in I asked what and why and she said because I did not talk to her right. All this stress for me on the day I am to have an echocardiogram right? I get a text from a friend that tells me to go worship and give my all to God.. I went home and I really tried to do that. It was not easy but I was able to do it somewhat.. So I go get dressed for the test and I go take the test. I have to come home and shower because I have ultrasound gel from the top of my neck to below my belly button. (I have since found out that sexual abuse survivors all do the same thing after they have had any ultrasound..well that is good to know).
Tuesday I took part 2 of the stress test which is to where I exercise. Ok so my starting blood pressure is 120/80 and they inject me with this drug to stimulate exercise and my blood pressure drops to 110/70 and 3 min later it goes to 118/78. This I am sure is not normal. But the tester said it was nothing to worry about. The only “symptom” I experienced was feeling like I was doing “poppers” (a drug you inhale).
So now I wait. I have an appointment Monday at 11:20 am AZ time. The longer I wait the more I stress. There are some other things that have been happening since then as well. However the only thing that I can really do is just worship. There are a good number of things that are way beyond my control. I like control (I make list’s to go grocery shopping and I don’t like not shopping without it). I like being able to control the events that are happening to me. Since Monday night I have slept maybe 3 hours a night. It becomes very difficult to trust that God has this all in His view. I feel like I am the dice in his crap game. While I know I am in His hands I still feel like the dice He is using. I know that He has this all worked out and yet I still feel lost. One more thing happened and because I am a literal thinker it is really hard for me to stay out of my literal brain with regards to this one thing and that is one of my mentors has decided that we have reached the end of our mentoring season and that Holy Spirit has released her, although our deep relationship will continue mentoring won’t (and honestly I don’t know what that is to look like then and it has to come at this time.) So my literal brain wants to kick in and say all kinds of things and I am trying to simply trust that what God has said is true and what my friend has said is true. I am not sure if it is the enemy or a combination of the enemy and my literal brain. At any rate these last weeks since graduation have been anything but slow-paced and laid back. Yet God has given me 2 Samuel 22 (entire chapter and I have read it in several translations and like the Message the best. feel free to read it on your own) and He is given me something to do and especially when I get into literal brain mode.
He is there and He is listening to me cry out and He is responding just like the loving Father that He is. While this is not easy for me and things are not in my control just now I am still His daughter and He loves me deeply.
When it comes down to it every thing is a matter of trusting. The Lord has shown me that I am in fact up to this next season and all that I have to do is put 1 foot in front of the other and take that 1st step and I will either free fall or I will have the ground put at my feet. So, I am really truly trying to do just that and to be honest some days are way easier than others over these last weeks.
Just 1 more thing here is a song that God is given me as well.